18 KILLERS OF INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE
Why is it hard to develop emotional intimacy? We need to examine them very well. Married Couples are hardly intimate, most live like, roommates, co-Tenants, some live like total strangers, some like rivals and bitter opponents. Most of the couples where best of Friends before Marriage, they where lover and where quite close, but after yes, I do, things do fall apart as the Apology to Chinua Achebe and center can no longer hold.
We need to examine major reasons why intimacy is difficult to achieve in most Marriages, Here let go:
1) FEAR OF REJECTION: There’s the fear of rejection. (If I share the essence of who I really am, you might criticize or reject the real me)
2) FEAR OF LOSS OF RESPECT: If you know who am truly is and understand my weaknesses will you still respect me?
3) FAILURE TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE: There’s unfamiliarity with our own feelings, needs, or wants. (If I’m not sure what I feel or need, how can I share it with you?)
4) SHORT WORDS SYNDROME: There’s a lack of vocabulary to communicate our feelings accurately or to verbalize exactly what we want or need. (If I don’t know the words to describe what I’m feeling or needing, then it’s easier to just keep my thoughts to myself.
5) SHOULD KNOW SYNDROME: We expect our spouse to just know, if he or she truly loves us (You can read my mind, can’t you?)
6) SECRETS SPOUSAL COMPETITION:
Though undeclared as a contest, a whole lot of couples are competing with each other, silently wishing to be better than the other, leading to envy when one succeeds than the other.
7) COLD WAR: Secret un-forgiveness, hidden bitterness, resentment, inner bombs waiting to be triggered.
A whole lot of people are still keeping grudges of yesteryears unknown to their spouses. I met a couple who were having problems by the time we got to the root of the matter we discovered that the woman still harbored offense of 25 years ago in her heart unknown to her husband. Emotional intimacy can never occur in this kind of situation.
8) DISTRUST: Lack of trust can also cause it, you can’t get emotional intimate with somebody you don’t trust.
9) ABSENCE OF EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION: Most couples talk, only few are discussing, words are been said but things are not been revealed. Communication is not deep, open and total.
10) BIG ME, SMALL YOU ATTITUDE: When marriage is not seen as a union of mates, which God just put one of them(the man) to be the overseer and the man begin to rule like an emperor, thinking he is bigger to be worship, the woman is smaller to be use.
11) CUSTOMS AND CULTURE: A whole lots of customs in Africa makes women the property of the man not a personality, this impede intimacy most of the time.
12) DISTANCE: For any reason when husband stays away from his wife emotional intimacy will be affected.
13) BUSYNESS: When couples are too busy to spend time together,emotional intimacy will be the victim
14) TECHNOLOGY: Modern marriages are short of intimacy because of another set of invaders in the name of technology today. Computer used to be in the office, now it has grown wings coming homes with us in the name of laptops and tablets. Phones, televisions are other things that help to destroy emotional intimacy.
15) ABSENCE OF TOTAL ACCEPTANCE: Feeling that our spouse is not our dream wife or husband is another killer of intimacy. Many have too many things to complain about, about the outlook of their spouses.
16) ABSENCE LEAVING: When one of the partners refuse to leave parents, friends, siblings etc it will be difficult to have emotional intimacy, wherever third parties reigns in marriage, the state of “one flesh” (emotional intimacy) cannot be achieved.
17: ABSENCE OF CLEAVING: Many left but refused to cleave to their spouses, this will also hurt intimacy
18: FAILURE TO CELEBRATE SEX: While sex is not emotional intimacy, it is a way to celebrate and cement it, when couples abandon bedroom life they’ve made room for boredom that can doom the marriage.
The question we need to ask is, “Do we have to live this way all of our lives?” And the answer to that is “Absolutely not!” emotional intimacy is a place where we need to grow and deepen our relationship.
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