On a bright Tuesday morning in Kumasi, Akosua Mensah was arranging tomatoes into neat red pyramids at her stall near Kejetia market, with the smell of smoked fish and fried plantain drifting between the stalls and the loudspeakers of a nearby preacher crackling over the din. Her phone buzzed on the wooden counter. The name on the screen was one she had not seen in four years: Yaw. Her hands went cold, and her heart, strangely, did not run away from the message. It leaned toward it. She read the line twice, “I have been thinking of you,” and felt a warm, shameful rush of relief, as if someone had finally turned the lights back on in a room she had been standing in for ages.
Seven years earlier, before she married Kofi, Akosua had spent three long years with Yaw. He was a man of sudden weather. Some days he praised her cooking and called her his queen. On other days he mocked her friends, checked where she had been and went silent for a week until she apologised for things she had never done. Then the sun would return, with a gift of cloth or a tender word, and she would cry with gratitude. She had left him quietly, with help from a church sister, and she believed the chapter was closed.
That evening, Kofi found her sitting on the back step of their home, peeling groundnuts without eating any. The compound was golden with the last light, and a goat bleated somewhere beyond the wall. He sat beside her, took a handful of shells, and said gently, “You have been far away today, Akos. You do not have to tell me everything. I only want you to know I am here.” She showed him the phone. He breathed out slowly, and he did not shout or ask her to delete anything. He asked, “What would help you feel steady?”
That question began a patient season of learning, and here is what she discovered. It might help you too.
1. Trauma bonding is the honest name for what you feel
“Stockholm syndrome” is the popular label, although specialists often prefer “trauma bonding.” Both describe a deep emotional attachment that forms with someone who hurt you, especially when harm and kindness arrive in turns. It is not a character flaw, and it is not stupidity. Akosua was not weak for feeling that rush of relief. Her mind was following a pattern it had learned. Once you have a name for the experience, it stops feeling like a shameful secret and becomes something you can understand and work with.
2. Unpredictable kindness binds harder than steady kindness
When affection comes without warning after pain, the brain treats it like a prize, and you begin chasing the next good day. Yaw’s gifts after silence worked exactly this way. You may recognise the pattern in your own history: tension, then relief, then tension again. The relief felt so sweet precisely because it followed so much strain. Understanding this helps you see that the “love” you are missing may be the relief rather than the person, and relief can be found in far safer places.
3. Missing someone does not prove they were right for you
Longing is not a verdict. You can miss the sound of a voice, the routine of a shared season, or the person you were at twenty-three, and still know the relationship was harmful. Akosua missed Yaw on certain rainy afternoons, and it did not mean she wanted him back. Let the feeling pass through like a passing tro-tro. You do not have to act on it, argue with it or punish yourself for it. A feeling is information, not an instruction.
4. Your survival instincts once rewarded you for pleasing him
Many of us learned to read moods, soften our words and apologise quickly because it kept the peace. That was intelligent survival, and it kept you safe at the time. The difficulty is that the habit can stay switched on long after the danger has left. If you notice yourself rehearsing apologies or scanning your husband’s face for storms that are not there, be gentle with yourself. Your mind is still using an old map, and a map can be redrawn.
5. Contact from an ex can reopen the old pull within seconds
A single message, a familiar number or a name appearing in a mutual contact’s list can stir years of emotion in a moment. Akosua felt it in her hands before she thought it in her head. This is why distance often matters more than willpower. Many people find it helpful to decide in advance how they will respond to contact, whether by silence, blocking or a short, firm reply. Choosing calmly beforehand protects you from deciding in the middle of a rush.
6. Secrecy keeps the bond alive, and loneliness feeds it
Old attachments thrive in the dark. Had Akosua hidden that message, the pull would have grown louder each day, whispering that only she understood it. Telling Kofi felt frightening, yet it made the feeling smaller almost at once. If you are married, sharing your struggle with your spouse, in your own time and your own words, can loosen the grip. The goal is not confession as punishment. It is company, so the memory stops being a private weight you carry alone.
7. Your spouse’s role is to be steady, not to be a detective
Kofi never interrogated Akosua or demanded her phone. He offered a calm presence and listened. If you are the partner of someone working through this, resist the urge to investigate or to measure their feelings. Questions like “what do you need from me today?” do far more than suspicion ever could. And if you are the one struggling, tell your spouse what kind of support helps, whether that is company on a quiet evening, a short walk or simply not being left alone with your thoughts.
8. Gratitude toward a past partner can be mistaken for love
Sometimes we feel thankful to an ex for a good moment, a gift or a season that was truly kind, and the heart tangles that gratitude with affection. Akosua remembered the cloth Yaw once bought her and felt a soft tug. You can acknowledge a genuine kindness without reopening the whole story. Say to yourself, “That was a good day, and it was part of a harmful whole.” Holding both truths keeps you honest without sending you backwards.
9. Guilt and confusion often arrive together
Many people feel guilty for thinking about an ex while married, and then more guilty for feeling confused. That double weight can make you withdraw from the very person who could help. Akosua carried it for days before the back-step conversation. Please know that having a thought is different from betraying a vow. Marriage is protected by the choices you make, and you are making a good choice each time you name the feeling out loud rather than hiding it.
10. Modern technology makes old ties very easy to reopen
Social media suggestions, “people you may know,” old photographs resurfacing, and messages arriving at any hour mean a past relationship can step into your living room uninvited. Akosua’s phone delivered Yaw into the middle of her working day. Consider simple protections such as muting, blocking, tidying contact lists and switching off memory notifications. These are not signs of fear. They are sensible fences, the digital version of closing the gate at dusk, and they give your heart room to settle.
11. Healing happens in the body as well as in the mind
You may notice a racing pulse, a tight throat or a sudden heaviness when memories surface. These are signs that your nervous system remembers more than your thoughts do. Akosua found that slow breathing, a short walk through the compound and a cup of warm ginger tea helped her return to the present. Gentle routines like these remind your body that today is different. Rest, regular meals and honest sleep are not luxuries here; they are part of recovery.
12. Professional support can untangle what friends cannot
A trained counsellor or therapist understands how trauma bonds form and how to loosen them without blaming you. Many of us hesitate because speaking to a stranger feels foreign in our culture, yet it is simply another form of care, like seeing a nurse for a stubborn fever. Akosua’s counsellor helped her put words to years of confusion. If your ex was frightening or controlling, ask the counsellor about safety planning too, because your wellbeing always comes first.
13. Safety comes before every other consideration.
If the ex in your story was violent, threatening or still tries to control you, treat any renewed contact seriously. Tell a trusted person, keep records of messages, and speak with a counsellor, a pastor, a women’s support organisation or the appropriate authorities in your area. Akosua did not need this step, but many readers might. There is no embarrassment in asking for protection. Keeping yourself and your household safe is the wisest and most loving thing you can do.
14. New patterns are built through small, repeated choices
Nobody breaks a bond by one dramatic decision. Akosua replied to nothing, blocked the number, and then returned to her tomatoes. The next day she did something similar, and the next day too. Each small choice taught her mind that she could feel the pull and remain where she was. Progress is often quiet, measured by how soon you recover rather than whether the feeling visits. A short wobble on a Wednesday is not failure; it is the old pattern fading.
15. Rebuilding your own voice is part of the cure
In the old relationship, Akosua’s opinions had shrunk until she hardly noticed. Now she began choosing small things again: which cloth to buy, which radio station to play, which friend to visit on Saturday. Each decision restored a little confidence. If your voice went quiet in a past relationship, practise using it in safe, ordinary ways. A marriage grows stronger when both people are fully present, and you cannot be fully present while still tiptoeing around memories.
16. Freedom is not forgetting; it is no longer being pulled
You may always remember your past, and that is fine. The aim is to look at it the way you look at an old road you once walked, with understanding and without the urge to return. Akosua still remembers Yaw, but his name no longer controls her breathing. If you are working toward that peace, be patient and kind with yourself. Stay close to people who feel safe, and let your marriage be a place where honesty is welcome, and healing is allowed to take its time.
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