When it is your child hurting others, it is a parent's toughest wake-up call. It is one of the most uncomfortable truths you, as a parent, can face; the possibility that your child is not the one being hurt, but the one causing harm.
Most parents often picture bullying as something that happens to their children, not something that their children might do to others. Yet, facing this reality with honesty and courage is one of the most powerful ways to guide your child towards becoming kinder, stronger, and more emotionally aware.
This is not about shame. It is about responsibility, growth, and change.
First, Pause the Panic
Your first reaction might be denial, anger, or even embarrassment. That is natural. No parent wants to hear that their child has been unkind, aggressive, or intimidating. However, reacting defensively can make things worse.
Instead, take a breath and remind yourself: Your child is not a bad person, but they may be making bad choices. Separating the behaviour from your child can help you respond with clarity rather than emotion.
Listen Before You Judge
Before jumping to conclusions, gather the full story. Speak to teachers, caregivers, or other parents if needed. Then, sit down with your child and ask open, calm questions:
* “Can you tell me what happened?”
* “How were you feeling at the time?”
* “What do you think the other child felt?”
Avoid shouting or labelling them as “a bully”. Children shut down when they feel attacked. What you need is honesty, not fear.
Understand the ‘Why’
Bullying behaviour often comes from somewhere deeper. Children may act out because they:
* Feel insecure or left out
* Are copying behaviour they see at home, school, or online
* Struggle to manage anger or frustration
* Want attention or control
* Are dealing with their own emotional pain
This is not you making excuses for their bad behaviour. It is just that understanding the root cause is key. If you only punish the behaviour without addressing the reason behind it, the pattern is likely to continue.
Set Clear, Firm Boundaries
Kindness is not optional. Make it clear that hurting others, whether physically, verbally, or emotionally, is highly unacceptable. Explain the consequences calmly and follow through consistently. For example:
* Loss of privileges (screen time, outings)
* Writing an apology or making amends
* Taking responsibility for their actions
Children need structure. Boundaries help them feel safe and guide them towards better choices.
Teach Empathy, Not Just Obedience
It is not enough for a child to stop bullying because they fear punishment. They need to understand why their actions are wrong. Help them build empathy through the following.
* Ask them to imagine being in the other child’s position
* Share stories that highlight kindness and compassion
* Encourage them to notice how others feel in everyday situations
You might say, “How would you feel if someone spoke to you that way?” This simple question can open the door to deeper emotional awareness.
Model the Behaviour You Want to See
Children are mostly visual learners. They learn more from what you do than what you say. If they see shouting, disrespect, or harsh criticism at home, they may mirror it elsewhere. At this point, it is time for you to reflect honestly by asking yourself the following questions.
* Do you handle conflict calmly?
* Do you speak kindly about others?
* Do you show patience when you are frustrated?
Being a role model does not mean being perfect. It means showing your child how to handle mistakes with accountability and respect.
Encourage Positive Friendships
The company your child keeps matters. Friends who encourage kindness and respect can influence behaviour in powerful ways.
Get to know their social circle. Encourage friendships that are supportive, not controlling or exclusionary.
Work With the School, Not Against It
If the issue has been raised by a teacher or school, treat them as partners, not opponents. Schools want a safe environment for all children, including yours. Stay involved via the following ways.
* Attend meetings
* Follow up on behaviour changes
* Ask for guidance if needed
A united approach between home and school makes a significant difference.
Know When to Seek Extra Help
If the behaviour continues despite your efforts, it may be time to involve a child psychologist or counsellor. Persistent bullying can sometimes signal deeper emotional or behavioural challenges that need professional support.
Seeking help is not a sign of failure as a parent. Rather, it is a step towards understanding your child better, healing and growth.
Focus on Growth, Not Labels
Avoid labelling your child as “a bully”. Labels can stick and shape how children see themselves.
Instead, reinforce this message, “You made a mistake, but you can learn and do better.”
Celebrate improvements, no matter how small. Change takes time, patience, and consistency. So, be supportive and encouraging at every step.
In Conclusion
Discovering that your child may be hurting others is painful, but it is also an opportunity. An opportunity to guide, to teach, and to shape their character in a meaningful way.
Every child can learn kindness. Every child can change. With your support, your child can grow into someone who not only avoids harming others but actively chooses to lift people up.
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