NEGATIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE THAT DESTROY MARRIAGE
By Bisi Adewale
Mind is the man; your thought level is your real level. You can never rise above what your mind can contain. Your marriage can never rise above your mind-set. Whether you will swim or sink in that marriage depends on the state of your mind. Thoughts and feelings affect marriage more than any other thing. You cannot be right if you have wrong conceptions in that marriage. Your mind-set has a lot to do with your marital destiny. That is why you must deal with negative mental attitudes. It is a strong HIDDEN DESTROYER OF MARRIAGE. Destroy it before it destroys you. “Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it springs the issues of life”. (Proverbs 4:23)
STRANGE FEELINGS, STRANGE HAPPENINGS
Most couples have strange feelings about their marriage, their spouses, love life, in-laws, etc. These strange feelings come from negative mental attitudes. Let me expose these strange feelings that have been bringing strange happenings into your life to you, so that you may avoid them.
- Feeling of “I mismarried”. You did not marry wrong. Stay in this marriage and make it work.
- Feeling of being cheated by your spouse. This will lead to fight-back, anger and bitterness. Please deal with it. See everything you do for your spouse as a service to the Lord.
- Feeling of worthlessness. This leads to low-self esteem, when you feel you are nobody. You can’t esteem your spouse if you don’t esteem and value yourself. Say it to yourself more than a thousand times “I am very important, I am more than gold”. Say it until you believe it.
- Feeling of “He or she is cheating on me”. You have no proof; you just feel in your heart that your spouse is not faithful. This is dangerous and it can destroy your marriage, it is terrible. Learn to trust your spouse until you have reason not to do that. Suspicion and wrong accusation are dangerous.
- “My wife is a witch”. This is another dangerous assumption some African men make. Avoid it.
- “My husband does not love me”. A lot of women struggle with this. They want their husband to say “I love you” daily. While it is good for your husband to say it, don’t wait till he says it. A lot of men are not expressive; just believe he does.
- She wants to take over the leadership from me. Most men feel like this but this is not true.
Your wife is not planning to take over from you. Listen to her suggestions. Don’t see it as an affront, walk together in love.
MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT MARRIAGE
- Marriage is a necessary evil
- Co-habitation is not bad.
- Trial marriage is good because it makes you know your partner before commitment
- Marriage is a punishment for men.
- Marriage is slavery for women.
- Marriage is for child making.
- It is wrong to reveal secrets to your wife.
- Women are necessary evils.
- Men cannot be trusted.
- Joint accounts is bad.
- Bad marriage is like a bad shoe, if it hurts, remove it.
- If your marriage is bad, it means you have married wrongly.
- A woman needs to be beaten to come to her right senses.
- Report your wife to her parent or your parents, her friends or friends when she misbehaves
RIGHT CONCEPTIONS ABOUT MARRIAGE
- Marriage is to be enjoyed by all men, women and children. It is not an evil thing, a punishment or slavery, neither is it to be endured.
- Co-habitation, prior to marriage, is wrong and unscriptural.
- Marriage is not just for child-making but for joy, goodness, pleasure and companionship.
- Your wife or husband should know everything about you. Women are not necessary evils, neither are men bad, they are both wonderful creatures of God. (Genesis 1:31)
- God wants marriage to last till death. Do not discard your partner. Bad marriage may emanate from bad character, mentality and ignorance. Change and improve to make your marriage better.
- Real men don’t beat their wives. He that beats his wife is a beast. Real men communicate with their wives. They don’t go around reporting her. Whoever does it is still a baby. If you must report your wife or husband, report him or her to God and your pastor.
MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT SEX
- Sex should not take place on Sunday being a holy day.
- Sex must not take place in the afternoon, lest you give birth to an albino.
- Sex is bad during breast feeding (The child will be drinking his father’s sperm).
- Sex should only take place under the cover of darkness.
- Sex is permissible during engagement, dating or courtship
- Women must not enjoy sex; it is for only men to enjoy.
- Women must not initiate sex in bed.
- A woman is the owner of her body, should only give it to her husband whenever she wishes.
- If young girls do not start having sex early, they will have complications during child birth.
- When a young man is not having sex regularly, he will be having stomach ache.
- Sex is only for baby-making
- A lady must sleep with at least four guys to acquire experience before marriage
- Sex is just natural. You can have it with any adult based on mutual consent.
- The best way to express your love in courtship is through sex.
- Sex, after menopause, will make a woman’s stomach big.
- When a young girl is not having sex, she will be having menstrual pains.
RIGHT CONCEPTIONS ABOUT SEX
- Sex could take place any day. It can also take place any time of the day, night, afternoon, morning or evening.
- Neither breast feeding nor pregnancy should stop sex.
- Women too can enjoy sex and can also make the first move in bed.
- The body of the woman belongs to her husband and vice versa.(1 Cor. 7)
- Sex is not just natural but also spiritual; it must be handled with care.
- Sex, during menopause, has no negative effect on a woman.
- Sex cannot stop menstrual pain. There is no experience a lady needs in sex before marriage.
- The best way to show love during courtship is to demonstrate love to God by remaining pure.
MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT IN-LAWS
- I want my mother-in-law to die before I marry her son.
- All mothers-in-law are bad.
- Singles must prepare for war against mothers-in-law.
- The best way to handle mothers-in law is to prevent them from coming to your matrimonial home.
- Wives normally bewitch their husbands, preventing them from remembering their parents.
- I will not allow my husband to visit his parents, lest they kill him.
- My parents in-laws are good gold diggers; all they want is our money
- My younger ones, uncles or friends should be my next of kin
- All old women (Mothers-in-law) are witches.
- “It is me and my husband alone. No in-laws
RIGHT CONCEPTIONS ABOUT IN-LAWS
- Mothers-in-law are not bad. You will soon grow up to become a mother-in-law.
- African culture forbids you to neglect your in-laws.
- In-laws should love their children’s wives.
- Wives should learn to accept in-laws. They trained your husband and deserve your respect.
- Husbands should learn to make their parents love their wives and make their wives respect their families.
MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT LOVE
- Love is blind
- I am madly in love.
- I am so much in love that I don’t know what I am doing.
- Love means sex and sex means love.
- Love conquers all.
- Love is jealous.
- Love is stupid.
- Marriages initiated through love will automatically be blissful without any effort.
All these are totally wrong. We need to get the right information about marriage, sex, love and In-laws to develop the right attitude.
TRUTH ABOUT LOVE
- Love is neither blind nor stupid.
- There is nothing like being ‘madly in love’. You can only be deeply in love. Anybody that is mad cannot even be in love.
- Love is not sex and sex is not love.
- Love does not conquer all. Despite being in love, a marriage can still be a wreck if good character is lacking.
- There is nothing like ‘love at first sight’. Infatuation or attraction can be at first sight, definitely not love.
- True love obeys God and stays in godliness.
Pastor Bisi Adewale is a family and relationship expert; author of Secrets of an Irresistible Wife and more than 70 other books on marriage and family life. You can reach him on firstname.lastname@example.org, 08068312004, 08051512823, www.familybooster.com, facebook.com/Pastorbisiadewale.