Marriage is not destroyed in one day. Most couples don’t wake up suddenly as enemies. The truth is this: marriages die slowly, quietly, and gradually, through small, innocent habits that look harmless at first but silently dig a hole into the foundation of love.
The danger of these habits is that they don’t look like a threat. They look normal, casual, and ordinary. But over time, they turn passionate lovers into polite strangers living under the same roof.
Couples must learn to be vigilant, because the Bible says: “Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom.” (Song of Solomon 2:15). It is not the big storms that ruin many marriages, but the “little foxes” small, repeated habits that choke intimacy.
Let us look at 20 innocent habits that slowly turn couples into strangers:
1. Silent Phones, Silent Hearts
It begins with not calling, texting, or checking up on each other. At courtship, you called ten times a day; in marriage, you sometimes go two days without a simple “How are you, my love?” A phone not ringing with affection is often a heart slowly losing connection
2. Sleeping Without Talking
Many couples go to bed carrying heavy silence. The Bible says, “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” (Ephesians 4:26). Each night of unresolved issues widens the emotional gap. A hug, a prayer, and “goodnight, I love you” heal wounds faster than silence.
3. Letting Work Replace Home
Work is important, but when your job steals your best energy and your family gets your leftovers, you are unknowingly sowing the seed of distance. Love grows where time is invested.
4. Talking More to Others Than to Each Other
When your colleague, best friend, or even your pastor knows more about your daily life than your spouse, you are slowly transferring emotional intimacy away from your home.
5. Allowing Screens to Replace Faces
TV, social media, and phones are not evil, but when a phone screen receives more of your attention than your spouse’s eyes, you are building a silent wall. Love thrives in face-to-face connection.
6. Joking Too Much with Hurtful Words
Laughter is healthy, but constant sarcastic jokes, teasing about weaknesses, or careless words wound deeply. Proverbs 18:21 reminds us: “The tongue has the power of life and death.” Words can knit hearts together or quietly destroy them.
7. Assuming Your Spouse Will Always Understand
“We are married, so he/she should understand.” This mindset kills communication. No one is a mind-reader. Even in marriage, express, explain, and share your heart.
8. Neglecting Physical Touch
Touch is powerful. Holding hands, hugging, and kissing are not childish. They are fuel for intimacy. Couples who stop touching are already drifting into the danger zone of coldness.
9. Eating Separately
Sharing meals is not just about food—it’s about bonding. Couples who eat separately often live separately in other areas of life. Jesus ate with His disciples; eating together builds unity.
10. Allowing Children to Take All the Attention
Children are a blessing, but they must not replace your spouse. Many couples turn into co-parents and forget to be lovers. Children grow up and leave; your spouse remains.
11. Not Praying Together
A couple that does not kneel together before God will struggle to stand together before life. Prayer unites hearts in a way nothing else can.
12. Withholding Appreciation
Simple “thank you”s go a long way. When gratitude disappears, entitlement takes over, and bitterness follows. Remember, even Jesus healed ten lepers but only one returned to say “thank you.”
13. Comparing Your Spouse with Others
“You are not like…” is one of the most poisonous sentences in marriage. Innocent as it may sound, comparison kills uniqueness and breeds resentment.
14. Postponing Romance
Romance is like watering a flower, you must do it consistently. Saying “we’ll go on a date later” or “I’ll buy you something when I’m less busy” leaves love to wither. Later never comes until hearts have already grown cold.
15. Ignoring Each Other’s Small Complaints
When your spouse says, “I don’t like this,” and you wave it off, you are teaching them silence. Over time, they stop talking, and silence replaces intimacy.
16. Neglecting Appearance
When you stop caring about how you look before your spouse, you may unknowingly send a message: “You no longer matter enough to me.” Marriage does not cancel attractiveness; it should encourage it.
17. Treating Money as “Mine” Instead of “Ours”
Financial secrecy or division creates emotional separation. Transparency in money is part of transparency in love.
18. Keeping Secrets (Even Small Ones)
A hidden chat, an undisclosed purchase, or an unshared thought looks harmless. But every secret builds a hidden wall. Marriage is built on openness.
19. Failing to Laugh Together
Laughter is medicine. Couples who no longer share joy, inside jokes, or playful moments soon begin to feel like roommates.
20. Taking Each Other for Granted
This is the most dangerous of all. When you stop saying “I love you,” stop noticing your spouse’s efforts, or stop celebrating small things, you starve the relationship. What you don’t celebrate will not grow.
Final Word of Wisdom
Dear couples, marriage is God’s idea. It is designed to be a lifelong covenant of joy, not a silent partnership of strangers. Guard your vineyard, remove the little foxes, and intentionally water your love daily.
Remember, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.” (1 Corinthians 13:4). True love is not automatic, it is cultivated.
If you have recognized any of these innocent habits in your marriage, don’t feel condemned. Feel challenged. Decide today to correct them. Start small, call your spouse, hold hands, pray together, laugh again.
A marriage built on love, intentionality, and Christ will never lose its warmth.
Start building a love story that never grows old.
Pastor Bisi Adewale
Marriage Coach | Family Builder | Author
©️Bisi Adewale
