As a professional relationship and marriage expert with years of counseling singles, couples, and families across Nigeria and beyond, I've seen too many people rush into relationships unprepared—only to face heartbreak, regret, or a struggling marriage later. Marriage isn't just about finding "the one"; it's about becoming the right one first.
Singleness is not a waiting room, it's a preparation room. It's God's gift of time to build yourself spiritually, emotionally, mentally, financially, and relationally so that when love comes, you're not entering as a half-person looking for someone to complete you, but as a whole person ready to complement another.
In my books like Preparing for Marriage, 10 Costly Mistakes Singles Make in Choosing a Life Partner, and through my ministry at Family Life Centre, I've emphasized one truth repeatedly: Proper preparation prevents poor performance in marriage.
Here are 21 essential things every single person must intentionally do before entering a serious relationship. These aren't optional extras; they are foundational steps that separate those who build lasting, God-honoring unions from those who merely survive them.
1. Develop a Deep, Personal Relationship with God
Your vertical relationship with God must come before any horizontal one with a partner. If Jesus isn't Lord of your life now, He won't suddenly become Lord over your marriage later.
Spend consistent time in prayer, Bible study, worship, and fellowship. Ask: Am I seeking God's kingdom first (Matthew 6:33), or am I using singleness as an excuse to drift spiritually? Attend church regularly, join a Bible study group, and cultivate daily devotion. A strong spiritual foundation attracts a spiritually mature partner and equips you to handle marital storms.
2. Know and Accept Yourself Fully
You cannot give what you don't have. Many enter relationships hoping the other person will "fix" their insecurities, low self-esteem, or identity issues. This never works.
Take time for self-discovery: Journal your strengths, weaknesses, passions, fears, and values. Seek counseling if needed to heal past wounds (rejection, abuse, parental issues). Embrace who God created you to be—fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). When you're secure in your identity in Christ, you won't settle for someone who diminishes you.
3. Heal from Past Hurts and Break Toxic Patterns
Unhealed pain poisons new relationships. If you've been heartbroken, betrayed, or grew up in a dysfunctional home, process it now.
Forgive those who hurt you (not for their sake, but yours—Ephesians 4:32). Break cycles of codependency, anger, people-pleasing, or avoidance. Read books on emotional healing, pray for deliverance, and consider professional Christian counseling. Clean emotional slate = healthier future love.
4. Build Emotional Maturity and Self-Control
Emotional intelligence is non-negotiable. Can you manage anger without exploding? Handle disappointment without bitterness? Communicate feelings clearly instead of sulking or withdrawing?
Practice patience, kindness, humility (1 Corinthians 13). Learn conflict resolution skills now—through friendships or family interactions. A mature single becomes a mature spouse.
5. Achieve Financial Independence and Responsibility
Money fights destroy more marriages than infidelity in many cases. Don't enter a relationship expecting someone to "rescue" you financially.
Get a stable job or build your career/business. Learn budgeting, saving, tithing, investing. Pay off unnecessary debts. Understand stewardship—everything belongs to God (Psalm 24:1). Financially responsible singles attract partners who value the same.
6. Pursue Purpose and Personal Goals Aggressively
Singleness is prime time to chase your God-given vision without distraction. Career, ministry, education, skills—go all in.
Write down your life goals. Take courses, start that side hustle, volunteer. A person with purpose is attractive because they bring something to the table, not just take.
7. Cultivate Healthy Habits (Physical, Mental, Spiritual)
Your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). Eat well, exercise, sleep adequately, avoid addictions (porn, alcohol excess, etc.).
Mental health matters—read uplifting books, limit toxic social media. These habits carry into marriage and affect intimacy, energy for family, and longevity together.
8. Learn to Enjoy and Thrive in Your Own Company
If you can't be happy alone, you'll struggle in a relationship. Many rush into partnerships to escape loneliness—big mistake.
Travel solo (even locally), pursue hobbies, enjoy quiet evenings. Learn contentment (Philippians 4:11-13). A content single makes a joyful spouse.
9. Build and Maintain Strong, Platonic Friendships
Don't isolate waiting for "the one." Invest in godly friendships of both genders (with boundaries).
These relationships teach you communication, loyalty, accountability. They also provide a support network in marriage.
10. Define Your Non-Negotiables and Values Clearly
Write your "must-haves" and "deal-breakers" now—while emotions are cool.
Core faith, character traits (honesty, kindness), life vision (children? ministry? location?), moral standards. Stick to them when attraction clouds judgment.
11. Study Marriage God's Way (Read at Least 10-15 Good Books)
Ignorance is costly. Read books like my own Preparing for Marriage, The Five Love Languages, Sacred Marriage, biblical ones on roles (Ephesians 5, etc.).
Attend singles' seminars, marriage prep classes. Knowledge prevents naive mistakes.
12. Develop Servant Leadership Skills (Especially for Men)
Men: Learn to lead by serving, not dominating. Practice initiative, provision, protection in small ways now.
Women: Learn partnership, respect, submission as mutual honor, not inferiority.
Both: Serve in church, help family—habits that translate to home.
13. Master Communication and Conflict Resolution
Practice expressing needs clearly, listening actively, apologizing sincerely.
Role-play tough conversations with trusted friends. Read books on healthy communication. Poor talk = poor marriage.
14. Guard Your Sexual Purity Intentionally
Flee sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18). Set boundaries now—no compromise.
Purity isn't just "not having sex"—it's guarding heart, eyes, mind. A sexually disciplined single enters marriage without baggage or comparisons.
15. Learn Household and Life Management Skills
Cook basic meals, clean properly, manage time, do laundry, budget groceries.
These practical skills reduce friction in marriage. No one wants to marry a dependent adult.
16. Seek Mentorship from Godly Married Couples
Find older, happy couples. Ask questions: What do you wish you knew? What strengthened your marriage?
Mentorship accelerates wisdom. Proverbs 15:22—plans fail without counsel.
17. Address Any Addictions or Compulsive Behaviors
Porn, gambling, excessive gaming, shopping—deal with them ruthlessly now.
Seek accountability, counseling, prayer. Freedom brings peace into future intimacy.
18. Clarify Your Family Vision and Parenting Philosophy
Do you want children? How many? How will you raise them (discipline, education, faith)?
Discuss extended family involvement. Aligning here prevents major conflicts later.
19. Build a Strong Prayer Life for Your Future Spouse
Pray daily for your unknown partner: protection, growth, purity.
This builds faith and softens your heart. Many testify meeting their spouse after consistent prayer.
20. Practice Gratitude and Contentment Daily
Thank God for singleness blessings. Avoid murmuring "when will it be my turn?"
Grateful hearts attract grateful partners. Contentment is magnetic.
21. Trust God's Timing and Surrender the Process
Finally, release control. God knows best (Jeremiah 29:11).
Don't force relationships out of desperation. Wait actively—preparing while trusting.
Singles who do these 21 things don't just "find love"—they become love-ready. They enter relationships whole, not needy; purposeful, not aimless; godly, not worldly.
If you're single reading this, start today. Pick 3-5 items and focus intensely this month. Journal progress. Pray over each one.
Marriage is beautiful when built on solid rock. But the foundation is laid in singleness.
You've got this—God's got you.
With love and prayers for your future,
Pastor Bisi Adewale Relationship & Marriage Expert Family Life Centre