It was 11:47 p.m. in a two-bedroom flat off Ogunlana Drive in Surulere, the generator had just kicked in for the third time that night, the kids were finally knocked out after NEPA wahala and school runs, and Funke turned to her husband, Dele, with that familiar half-hopeful smile. “Babe, it’s been almost a month…” Dele wanted to. His body was there.
His mind? Already in tomorrow’s board meeting, the school fees due next week, and the WhatsApp voice note from his mother, asking when they were coming to Ibadan. He tried. Nothing. No finish. Just sweat, silence, and that heavy “sorry” that hung in the air like harmattan dust. Funke didn’t say much, she just turned over, but both of them knew the truth: something had shifted. The sex that used to feel like their secret escape now felt like one more thing on the to-do list.
Breaking The Pattern Of Not Growing Up With A Present Father
If this scene hits too close to home, breathe. You are not broken and your marriage is not failing. You are simply two adults doing the hardest job on earth — building a family — in a city that never sleeps, with salaries that stretch like garri, and extended family that never quite understands the concept of “privacy.” Sex issues in marriage are not rare; they are normal. The six most common ones couples quietly battle? Let’s talk about them like the friends we are.
1. The Routine Trap: When Sex Feels Like a Script You’ve Read a Thousand Times
After the second or third baby, the same missionary position in the same dark room, at the same tired hour becomes… predictable. No variety, no surprise - just “quick one before the generator goes off.” The spark doesn’t vanish because you stopped loving each other. It fades because life crowded it out — school fees, church programmes, traffic, in-law visits, and the mental load of remembering whose turn it is to buy Indomie for the kids. Many couples tell me the boredom is worse than the actual “problem.” It’s the slow realisation that what used to feel electric now feels like a chore.
Relationship counsellors see this every week: long-term couples who still love each other but have stopped desiring each other because desire needs novelty, playfulness, and a little mystery. In our culture, we were never taught that it’s okay to want fun in the bedroom after the ring is on. We were told marriage is serious. But serious doesn’t have to mean boring.
2. Performance Pressure: When the Fear of “Not Enough” Kills the Mood
Dele’s story is classic - he’s aroused, he’s trying, but the pressure to “perform” and make sure Funke climaxes first creates a vicious loop. The more he worries about delayed ejaculation or not lasting long enough, the harder it becomes. Performance anxiety is not just “in his head” — it’s in the culture that tells men their worth is tied to how well they “satisfy” their wife. Add the workplace stress, high blood pressure from traffic, and the occasional side effect of malaria drugs or blood-pressure meds, and you have a perfect storm.
Women feel it too, the silent fear of “Am I taking too long?” or “Is he getting bored?” turns what should be pleasure into performance review and the result? Both partners mentally check out before the clothes even come off.
3. The Wandering Mind: When Your Body Is in the Bed but Your Head Is in the Group Chat
You’re touching, kissing, even moaning in the right places — but your brain is busy calculating tomorrow’s fuel for the generator or replaying that annoying comment your colleague made in the office meeting. This mental checking-out is so common it has a name in sex therapy circles: spectatoring - you become an observer of your own sex life instead of a participant.
In Nigerian homes, the mental load is heavy. Women especially carry the invisible list — uniforms, assignment notes, “Did I lock the kitchen door?” — even during intimacy. Men carry money worries, , meaning the mind simply refuses to switch off.
4. The Orgasm Gap: Why Some of Us Just Can’t Get There With Our Spouse
This one hits women hardest, but men suffer too, through delayed ejaculation (taking forever to climax despite being hard) or full anorgasmia (can’t climax at all with your partner) leaves both people feeling inadequate. For many wives, the question they never say out loud is: “Why can I orgasm when I’m alone but not with my husband?”
The reasons are rarely one thing - it can be insufficient foreplay (many men love to rush), past shame around pleasure, hormonal changes after childbirth, stress, or simply not knowing what actually works for your body and never having the conversation. Many of us grew up believing “good wives don’t make noise or give instructions," a belief still quietly killing bedroom joy.
5. Loss of Passion: The Slow Fade After Years Together
This is the big one — the “spark is gone” feeling but you still hug, you still laugh at each other’s jokes, but the sexual chemistry feels like a distant memory, from your dating days in the university. Kids, weight changes, stretch marks, tired bodies, and the sheer exhaustion of adulting make passion feel like a luxury you can no longer afford.
but the painful truth is that passion doesn’t die, often times, it gets buried under routine, resentment, and unspoken needs. The good news is that it can be dug out again — if both of you decide it’s worth the effort.
What You Can Start Doing This Week (Realistic, Friendly Tips)
You don’t need a weekend in Dubai or expensive toys. Start small, stay consistent, and be kind to yourselves.
1. Have the awkward conversation outside the bedroom. Pick a neutral time — maybe after the kids are asleep, generator is on, and you’re both eating Indomie. Either of you can say: “I miss us. Can we talk about what’s been feeling off?” No blame, just honesty.
2. Create a 15-minute “no-pressure” ritual. Twice this week, lie in bed skin-to-skin (clothes optional) with zero expectation of sex, just touch, talk, laugh to rebuild the safety and kills performance anxiety.
3. Kill the routine with one tiny change. Try a different position, different time of day (morning quickie before the kids wake up?), or even a different room. One couple I know started locking their bedroom door on Saturday nights and playing a “no talking about money or children” rule. Game-changer.
4. Focus on her pleasure first (or his, if roles are reversed). Men, learn that most women need 20 minutes of focused foreplay. So as a wife, tell him exactly what you like — use your hand to guide his. No guessing games this time around because you want to enjoy the serving all the way to the finish line.
5. Handle the mental load together. If wandering minds are the issue, create a “brain dump” before bed like spending five minutes writing down worries, so your head is clearer when you touch on the way to the promise land, 'flowing with milk and honey.'
6. Know when to get professional help. If delayed ejaculation, anorgasmia, or pain persists for more than a few months, see a doctor (urologist or gynaecologist) and a certified sex therapist or marriage counsellor. In some cities, governement, international and private therapists are discreet and helpful.
Sex in marriage after years together is rarely like the movies or the Instagram couple goals, for it might become messy, sometimes awkward, often interrupted by children shouting “Mummy water is not coming!” from the bathroom. But it can also be deeper, funnier, and more satisfying than the wild early days — because now you know each other’s real bodies, real stresses, and real love.
The spark isn’t gone forever. It’s just waiting for you to stop performing and start connecting again.
You’ve already survived the city's traffic, school fees, and family politics together. You can survive and revive this too. Start tonight but not with pressure. Just with honesty and a little courage.
Your marriage and your bedroom will thank you.
