When Responsibility Becomes Pressure

In many African families, the first born daughter is often called the second mother. From a young age, she is expected to be responsible, patient, mature, and deeply obedient. While taking on responsibility can build strength, when it becomes too much, it can quietly shape her life in ways that aren’t always healthy.

Over time, these pressures can leave a mark.

First, they can lead to emotional suppression. A first born daughter constantly told to “be strong” may struggle to show fear, frustration, or exhaustion. She learns to swallow her feelings just to keep the peace.

Second, it can create people-pleasing tendencies. Growing up praised for sacrifice, she may find it hard to say no in friendships, relationships, and even marriage. She may attract partners who expect the same endless submission she learned to give at home.

Third, it can lead to burnout and identity confusion. When a child spends her formative years raising others, she may never fully discover who she is outside of responsibility. Her own dreams may be postponed, her personal growth delayed, because she has been too busy caring for everyone else.

Fourth, resentment can quietly grow. Even if she loves her family deeply, a daughter carrying too much may struggle with hidden anger or guilt for wanting a life of her own.

This isn’t to say responsibility is a bad thing. Many first born daughters become highly capable, resilient women because of the roles they played early in life. The problem arises when responsibility turns into emotional pressure and forced silence.

So, what can be done?

Families need to draw a line between responsibility and overburdening.

Parents should allow first born daughters to remain children. Helping out at home is healthy, but it must be balanced with rest, play, and opportunities to grow personally.

Open communication is key. Daughters should feel safe to express their feelings without fear of being called disrespectful or ungrateful.

Responsibilities should be shared among siblings based on age and ability. Being first born doesn’t mean carrying the weight of the entire family.

Parents should also affirm their child for who she is, not just what she does. Her value should never be tied only to sacrifice.

For adult first born daughters who carry the weight of these expectations, healing is possible. Counseling, mentorship, and learning healthy boundaries can help them remain loving and supportive without losing themselves.

The first born daughter is often the backbone of many African homes. Protecting her emotional wellbeing is not a sign of weakness it is wisdom.